Who is the greatest President in US History? James K. Polk was a straight bro. He was friggin awesome. You can keep you Lincoln's, Obama's, and Franklin's. Did Thomas Jefferson ever hook up with Queen Elizabeth in the Oval Office? Hell no, dude had a bad hip. Polk was absolutely G-ing it up in the White House from 1847 to 1906.
James K. Polk was born in Yersfroggin, Idaho in 1817. His mom was a housewife and his father was a local marijuana farmer. One day after tripping on some bad mushrooms, his parents tragically forgot who they were and moved to Philadelphia... and forgot young Jimmy in their log cabin. Naturally, bears soon moved in and found the small child. They took pity on him and raised him as one of their own. At the ripe age of 16, Polk went off to law school at Princeton, and graduated by the age of 19. He then turned his head to politics.
Polk was known for his outstanding rhetoric, and his famous ability to turn a buzz kill party into a rager. In D.C. they called him James "My my my Polker face my my my Polker face" Polk. Dude was legit. He always had at least three attractive young ladies in bikinis following him around wherever he went. For his 28th birhtday, he decided to run for Governor of Annapolis, Maryland. Needless to say he won in a landslide victory. He did that bid for a little while but soon found it too boring for his natural abilities. He set his eyes on a more appealing position. President of the United States.
He started a long, grueling campaign across the US. His catch phrase captivated the hearts and minds of America: "If you don't vote for me, you'll catch the clap." Richard Nixon, his opponent, didn't stand a chance. On April 14, 1845 he was named the first King of America. That title was later challenged by the Supreme Court and he was honorably demoted to President in 1847. In his 59 year reign as King... I mean, President, Polk did more awesome stuff than any of the other Presidents combined. He invented alcohol and started up the ABC. He started Death Row Records and wrote the song, "Piano Man" which topped the adult easy listening charts for 93 weeks in a row. He also cloned a goat.
In his personal life, Jimmy Polk was the man. He was morman, so he had six wives, four of them "on da low." So pretty much there's like a couple hundred illegitamate Polk descendants in the States right now that would test positive to a paternity test.
That's why James K. Polk was the best President ever. The End.
(Do not use any of this information in any sort of report or anything; I literally did no research on James K. Polk except for typing "most underrated president" into Google and clicking on the first link. Don't quote me on any of this or so help me God I will... show you the error of your ways with all due Hokie Respect).
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tiger Woods in the Masters
What do you think about when you hear the word "hero?" Is it Superman in a flashy, form-fitting spandex suit? Is it Joan Rivers? What about Scott McAlister, he's pretty cool? But alas! Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, and sometimes in unexpected places. My hero is... Elroy the Reindeer.
Elroy was born in Compton, down the street Dr. Dre and 2pac. Matter of fact, they used to kick it on the corner with their boys Boney and Shaft (RIP). By the ripe old age of three, weeks old, Elroy had gotten into some questionable dealings. He sold rabbit pelts and crack-cocaine in the mean streets of Compton. Little did he know, his life would change forever...
On a starry night, August 19, 1993, Elroy was trottin down Homey Street. He was packing in his antlers, without a worry or fear in this world. As he turned down the dark alleyway, he was bullrushed by the Police. He was taken down town and arrested for possession of an illegal firearm, stolen rabbit pelts, and crack cocaine. This was the lowest point in Elroy's life.
He could have given up, little Elroy; he could have fallen into the trap of lowly street crime. But his time in the slammer changed Elroy the Reindeer. He searched his large furry heart, and examined his sinful hooves. Change. A necessary change needed to be made.
After he got out on parole, Elroy traveled the country. No longer did he look to strippers and cocaine to fulfill him, but his own personal happiness by serving others. Elroy fed the homeless, and saved the lives of needy. One particular child, named McGoogle was on the same path as Elroy. Elroy adopted him and he now plays in the MLB (Major League Bookreaders).
How did I meet Elroy? I had the pleasure of meeting him at a particularly rowdy Christmas party. He was pretty sloshed, and I gave him a ride home. We hit it off, and now he lives with me. He is dear to me. He shares with me his wisdom. I am better person because of Elroy the Reindeer. He loves me, and I love him back. It is the most beautiful, non-sexual relationship two men can share. A "Bromance" if you will.
So when you think about heroes, don't jump to the stereotypical, Batman, Scooby Doo, or Grace Clipp, think of those who are dear to you. Those who touch your heart on a daily basis.
*Elroy the Reindeer is an inflatable plastic reindeer I stole from a party.
Elroy was born in Compton, down the street Dr. Dre and 2pac. Matter of fact, they used to kick it on the corner with their boys Boney and Shaft (RIP). By the ripe old age of three, weeks old, Elroy had gotten into some questionable dealings. He sold rabbit pelts and crack-cocaine in the mean streets of Compton. Little did he know, his life would change forever...
On a starry night, August 19, 1993, Elroy was trottin down Homey Street. He was packing in his antlers, without a worry or fear in this world. As he turned down the dark alleyway, he was bullrushed by the Police. He was taken down town and arrested for possession of an illegal firearm, stolen rabbit pelts, and crack cocaine. This was the lowest point in Elroy's life.
He could have given up, little Elroy; he could have fallen into the trap of lowly street crime. But his time in the slammer changed Elroy the Reindeer. He searched his large furry heart, and examined his sinful hooves. Change. A necessary change needed to be made.
After he got out on parole, Elroy traveled the country. No longer did he look to strippers and cocaine to fulfill him, but his own personal happiness by serving others. Elroy fed the homeless, and saved the lives of needy. One particular child, named McGoogle was on the same path as Elroy. Elroy adopted him and he now plays in the MLB (Major League Bookreaders).
How did I meet Elroy? I had the pleasure of meeting him at a particularly rowdy Christmas party. He was pretty sloshed, and I gave him a ride home. We hit it off, and now he lives with me. He is dear to me. He shares with me his wisdom. I am better person because of Elroy the Reindeer. He loves me, and I love him back. It is the most beautiful, non-sexual relationship two men can share. A "Bromance" if you will.
So when you think about heroes, don't jump to the stereotypical, Batman, Scooby Doo, or Grace Clipp, think of those who are dear to you. Those who touch your heart on a daily basis.
*Elroy the Reindeer is an inflatable plastic reindeer I stole from a party.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Animal Report
My favorite animal is the blue whale. The blue whale is a mammal. It is the biggest mammal in the world. It is actually part of a suborder of whales called baleen whales. The blue whale is only found in the indian and the pacific oceans. The blue whale is my favorite animal and whale because it is big and because it is blue which is my favorite color. If blue whales were red they would not be my favorite animal. The blue whale usually weighs between one hundred fifty and one hundred seventy metric tons. The blue whale is usually thirty meters long. On average the blue whale skull is 19 feet long. The blue whale feeds on by the filter method. The blue whale filters krill out of the water. The krill are basically very small shrimps. Krill would never be my favorite animal. The blue whale knows how to talk to other blue whales by making sounds underwater. I am impressed by this because I can not understand people when they try to talk to me under the water.
Favorite hybrid animal? What an astute question, my young friend. The answer, undoubtedly is... A monkhippobird. One half monkey. Why? Monkeys are freaking sweet. They're like people, what with their thumbs and (no homo) cute faces. One half hippo. Why? Size. No other traits of the ugly, largely overrated hippo, but their size. No small pussy animals up in here. One half bird. Why? The ability to fly is the one thing I keep praying for evolution to bring us one day. Hells yes. Think about it. Drive your gas guzzling four wheeled best to work. No. I'll fly to work, thank you very much. And while I'm at it I'll drink some Pina Colada. See my point? So if I could be any one hybrid animal, it would definitely be the mokhippobird. You can keep your ligers and your Dung beetle-squirrels; with all due Hokie Respect
Favorite hybrid animal? What an astute question, my young friend. The answer, undoubtedly is... A monkhippobird. One half monkey. Why? Monkeys are freaking sweet. They're like people, what with their thumbs and (no homo) cute faces. One half hippo. Why? Size. No other traits of the ugly, largely overrated hippo, but their size. No small pussy animals up in here. One half bird. Why? The ability to fly is the one thing I keep praying for evolution to bring us one day. Hells yes. Think about it. Drive your gas guzzling four wheeled best to work. No. I'll fly to work, thank you very much. And while I'm at it I'll drink some Pina Colada. See my point? So if I could be any one hybrid animal, it would definitely be the mokhippobird. You can keep your ligers and your Dung beetle-squirrels; with all due Hokie Respect
Monday, March 29, 2010
As the semester slowly but surely creeps to an end, this work just keeps getting exponentially more difficult to complete. I knew that the warmer weather would make me want to laze around outside more. I had no idea however that it was also increase my likelihood to take a nap, to stare out the window, to take a nap, or to just sleep. I wake up hoping to god that the wind is calm enough that i can wear shorts and not have frost bite walking across the drill field.
How bout dem Hokies. With all the "march madness" bracket busting going on, everyone seems to have forgotten last weeks favorite basketball team. I'm as big as a V Tech fan as anyone, but that Not Interested Tournament loss at home to Road Intown? or whatever their name was proved that we didn't get snubbed by the "biased" committee.
And the topic that has got everyone talking is the planned visit by the westboro baptist church. They are coming to picket the April 16th 2007 massacre. I personally can't stand when people use this as a, for lack of a better word, motivational tool to rally support to cause at virginia tech. I think it needs to be left in the past and not exploited to get people to agree with an argument. That being said this "church"'s main goal is to get attention by any means necessary, and what better way than to come to a super dense area of outspoken people and strike a sensitive nerve. The big argument around the campus is how to respond to these assholes. No doubt attention is what they are after, but I feel like they will get it no matter what any body tries to do. I have seen the "where's the doughnuts" and rick roll methods which are hilarious but I can't really say that would be the best way to handle it. I really have no idea what the appropriate action is and it is nothing short of sad that any one could bring themselves to say what they have said about such topics.
I hate to end this in such a serious way, so here's something you'll get a kick out of if you know you're 90's basketball superstars (or Jimmy Kimmel): http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2031920072
How bout dem Hokies. With all the "march madness" bracket busting going on, everyone seems to have forgotten last weeks favorite basketball team. I'm as big as a V Tech fan as anyone, but that Not Interested Tournament loss at home to Road Intown? or whatever their name was proved that we didn't get snubbed by the "biased" committee.
And the topic that has got everyone talking is the planned visit by the westboro baptist church. They are coming to picket the April 16th 2007 massacre. I personally can't stand when people use this as a, for lack of a better word, motivational tool to rally support to cause at virginia tech. I think it needs to be left in the past and not exploited to get people to agree with an argument. That being said this "church"'s main goal is to get attention by any means necessary, and what better way than to come to a super dense area of outspoken people and strike a sensitive nerve. The big argument around the campus is how to respond to these assholes. No doubt attention is what they are after, but I feel like they will get it no matter what any body tries to do. I have seen the "where's the doughnuts" and rick roll methods which are hilarious but I can't really say that would be the best way to handle it. I really have no idea what the appropriate action is and it is nothing short of sad that any one could bring themselves to say what they have said about such topics.
I hate to end this in such a serious way, so here's something you'll get a kick out of if you know you're 90's basketball superstars (or Jimmy Kimmel): http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2031920072
Monday, March 1, 2010
With spring break quickly approaching, I am beginning two things. First, that it is becoming ever so much harder to concentrate on work of any kind. Secondly, that the only freshman year of college I will ever have is about two months from being in the books. Midterms approaching will mark the official three quarters mark of the year and I can't seem to concentrate on anything at all. All I want to do is relax, enjoy campus shenanigans,and actually savor the dorm lifestyle. Yeah, it really sucks having to wear flip flops to the shower/bathroom/anywhere you don't want to get foot herpes but the dorms are a pretty cool place. I suppose it is a luck of the draw type deal regarding how you enjoy your first year experience but my hall is pretty sweet. I will miss not being able to yell "Who wants to play Super Smash Bros.," and having 12 different people to play nintendo sixty four with at any given time. Next year I will not have a resident advisor to antagonize. If I do any dumb shit in my apartment, there is no almighty school that owes me money anyway to pay for it. I will not have Lil' Cathy to take my pizza boxes out for me, or to always make me turn around and walk to the other shower cause she's cleaning the one I use at nine thirty in the morning. Sure the dorm has it's down sides as well, but many can be handled using easy to follow steps. A major problem I hear people complaining about is the early morning fire alarm. Sleep through it. It is easy as that. Also some complain about there being too much noise when they are trying to study or sleep. Banging on the walls or screaming at your neighbor is where many seem to go wrong. I have found the best way to get people to stop being loud on nights when I have something to do the next day is revenge. They'll think twice about jamming to mediocre ninety's alternative rock til four in the morning when I get up a six and play the loudest, dumbest, most rediculous music/ disney theme songs I can find.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Audience: American people
Character : man and a woman lost on a country road
Setting: A parking lot
Detail: An old camera full of undeveloped film
A warm summer afternoon was met as unwelcome as it could have ever been. A man and a woman trekked along the dusty road; kicking the dirt as they tiredly dragged their feet. The foreign landscape was dotted with trees just barely in view and not a sign of life in sight. A most barren environment made worse by the sweltering heat that could be seen rising through the air. Realizing how alone they truly were the couple switched their focus to survival. Spending hours searching for any peripheral objects that could possibly help them survive. A few paper cups and a stick later, the man decided that there was no resources worth looking for and gave up his search. The woman came back from her expedition with only an old camera. With little other choice the couple decided to sit down and rest for a while under the shade of some indistinguishable object. As they sat, the man watched as the woman curiously explored the camera. It was obviously lost; because an antique in this condition could never survive out in the elements for long. She played with the camera for a time until one of its compartments surprisingly sprung open. The man and woman spent much of the next couple of hours going through the undeveloped film that was found inside. Using the sun to see the film, the pair found enjoyment and sanctuary from the scorching heat by panning through the photos. The day turned into summer evening and the heat became much more bearable. The sun began to sink beneath the tree line and the environment surrounding the two became ever clearer as it progressed. The dirt road slowly became more visible, and yet more and more dark. As the man observed this new development, he had an epiphany. The couple was not on a dirt road at all. They had stumbled into a Wal-Mart parking lot and got lost in its vast desert.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Hey i would like to apologize for being late on this blog post, but I could not get the 'publish post' to work to save my life last night.
I feel like when at Virginia Tech, I am back in pre school or kindergarten again. Why? Cause once one person in the cubbies we live in gets sick everyone gets sick. My friend down the hall had a cough at the end of last week. Now at least half of my hall is heaving all day from it. Schiffert doesn't help you though. I went there today and they told me to get plenty of sleep, water, food. etc... My mom told me that this morning when I called her I could have just not wasted my time and skipped the visit out in the cold. I at least assumed I would be told I had Swine Flu or something neat.
Another cool site I have heard of a while back but just now checking it out is www. stumbleupon. com. You check some of your interests and this engine radomly generates a website or a picture or video that you may be in to. Some times the results can be odd at best, but other times you will spend a half hour playing a simple game the requires the balance of four things at once wondering where your time went ( the game is called Multi Task 0n notdoppler.com if you really want to check it out). It definitely is the perfect study break/ procrastination tool you could ever want. Why not check out a good lasagna recipe after watching a video with feminine dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.
Finally, good job guys with the rhetorical analysis presentations. I thought most of them were actually pretty interesting and everyone knew their topic pretty well. It was definitely the furthest I have been from sleep in English class this semester. Oh and why aren't we ranked in basketball right now? Hopefully after we stick it to Wake Forest we'll get a little recognition on the national scale that we definitely deserve...
I feel like when at Virginia Tech, I am back in pre school or kindergarten again. Why? Cause once one person in the cubbies we live in gets sick everyone gets sick. My friend down the hall had a cough at the end of last week. Now at least half of my hall is heaving all day from it. Schiffert doesn't help you though. I went there today and they told me to get plenty of sleep, water, food. etc... My mom told me that this morning when I called her I could have just not wasted my time and skipped the visit out in the cold. I at least assumed I would be told I had Swine Flu or something neat.
Another cool site I have heard of a while back but just now checking it out is www. stumbleupon. com. You check some of your interests and this engine radomly generates a website or a picture or video that you may be in to. Some times the results can be odd at best, but other times you will spend a half hour playing a simple game the requires the balance of four things at once wondering where your time went ( the game is called Multi Task 0n notdoppler.com if you really want to check it out). It definitely is the perfect study break/ procrastination tool you could ever want. Why not check out a good lasagna recipe after watching a video with feminine dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.
Finally, good job guys with the rhetorical analysis presentations. I thought most of them were actually pretty interesting and everyone knew their topic pretty well. It was definitely the furthest I have been from sleep in English class this semester. Oh and why aren't we ranked in basketball right now? Hopefully after we stick it to Wake Forest we'll get a little recognition on the national scale that we definitely deserve...
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