Who is the greatest President in US History? James K. Polk was a straight bro. He was friggin awesome. You can keep you Lincoln's, Obama's, and Franklin's. Did Thomas Jefferson ever hook up with Queen Elizabeth in the Oval Office? Hell no, dude had a bad hip. Polk was absolutely G-ing it up in the White House from 1847 to 1906.
James K. Polk was born in Yersfroggin, Idaho in 1817. His mom was a housewife and his father was a local marijuana farmer. One day after tripping on some bad mushrooms, his parents tragically forgot who they were and moved to Philadelphia... and forgot young Jimmy in their log cabin. Naturally, bears soon moved in and found the small child. They took pity on him and raised him as one of their own. At the ripe age of 16, Polk went off to law school at Princeton, and graduated by the age of 19. He then turned his head to politics.
Polk was known for his outstanding rhetoric, and his famous ability to turn a buzz kill party into a rager. In D.C. they called him James "My my my Polker face my my my Polker face" Polk. Dude was legit. He always had at least three attractive young ladies in bikinis following him around wherever he went. For his 28th birhtday, he decided to run for Governor of Annapolis, Maryland. Needless to say he won in a landslide victory. He did that bid for a little while but soon found it too boring for his natural abilities. He set his eyes on a more appealing position. President of the United States.
He started a long, grueling campaign across the US. His catch phrase captivated the hearts and minds of America: "If you don't vote for me, you'll catch the clap." Richard Nixon, his opponent, didn't stand a chance. On April 14, 1845 he was named the first King of America. That title was later challenged by the Supreme Court and he was honorably demoted to President in 1847. In his 59 year reign as King... I mean, President, Polk did more awesome stuff than any of the other Presidents combined. He invented alcohol and started up the ABC. He started Death Row Records and wrote the song, "Piano Man" which topped the adult easy listening charts for 93 weeks in a row. He also cloned a goat.
In his personal life, Jimmy Polk was the man. He was morman, so he had six wives, four of them "on da low." So pretty much there's like a couple hundred illegitamate Polk descendants in the States right now that would test positive to a paternity test.
That's why James K. Polk was the best President ever. The End.
(Do not use any of this information in any sort of report or anything; I literally did no research on James K. Polk except for typing "most underrated president" into Google and clicking on the first link. Don't quote me on any of this or so help me God I will... show you the error of your ways with all due Hokie Respect).
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tiger Woods in the Masters
What do you think about when you hear the word "hero?" Is it Superman in a flashy, form-fitting spandex suit? Is it Joan Rivers? What about Scott McAlister, he's pretty cool? But alas! Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, and sometimes in unexpected places. My hero is... Elroy the Reindeer.
Elroy was born in Compton, down the street Dr. Dre and 2pac. Matter of fact, they used to kick it on the corner with their boys Boney and Shaft (RIP). By the ripe old age of three, weeks old, Elroy had gotten into some questionable dealings. He sold rabbit pelts and crack-cocaine in the mean streets of Compton. Little did he know, his life would change forever...
On a starry night, August 19, 1993, Elroy was trottin down Homey Street. He was packing in his antlers, without a worry or fear in this world. As he turned down the dark alleyway, he was bullrushed by the Police. He was taken down town and arrested for possession of an illegal firearm, stolen rabbit pelts, and crack cocaine. This was the lowest point in Elroy's life.
He could have given up, little Elroy; he could have fallen into the trap of lowly street crime. But his time in the slammer changed Elroy the Reindeer. He searched his large furry heart, and examined his sinful hooves. Change. A necessary change needed to be made.
After he got out on parole, Elroy traveled the country. No longer did he look to strippers and cocaine to fulfill him, but his own personal happiness by serving others. Elroy fed the homeless, and saved the lives of needy. One particular child, named McGoogle was on the same path as Elroy. Elroy adopted him and he now plays in the MLB (Major League Bookreaders).
How did I meet Elroy? I had the pleasure of meeting him at a particularly rowdy Christmas party. He was pretty sloshed, and I gave him a ride home. We hit it off, and now he lives with me. He is dear to me. He shares with me his wisdom. I am better person because of Elroy the Reindeer. He loves me, and I love him back. It is the most beautiful, non-sexual relationship two men can share. A "Bromance" if you will.
So when you think about heroes, don't jump to the stereotypical, Batman, Scooby Doo, or Grace Clipp, think of those who are dear to you. Those who touch your heart on a daily basis.
*Elroy the Reindeer is an inflatable plastic reindeer I stole from a party.
Elroy was born in Compton, down the street Dr. Dre and 2pac. Matter of fact, they used to kick it on the corner with their boys Boney and Shaft (RIP). By the ripe old age of three, weeks old, Elroy had gotten into some questionable dealings. He sold rabbit pelts and crack-cocaine in the mean streets of Compton. Little did he know, his life would change forever...
On a starry night, August 19, 1993, Elroy was trottin down Homey Street. He was packing in his antlers, without a worry or fear in this world. As he turned down the dark alleyway, he was bullrushed by the Police. He was taken down town and arrested for possession of an illegal firearm, stolen rabbit pelts, and crack cocaine. This was the lowest point in Elroy's life.
He could have given up, little Elroy; he could have fallen into the trap of lowly street crime. But his time in the slammer changed Elroy the Reindeer. He searched his large furry heart, and examined his sinful hooves. Change. A necessary change needed to be made.
After he got out on parole, Elroy traveled the country. No longer did he look to strippers and cocaine to fulfill him, but his own personal happiness by serving others. Elroy fed the homeless, and saved the lives of needy. One particular child, named McGoogle was on the same path as Elroy. Elroy adopted him and he now plays in the MLB (Major League Bookreaders).
How did I meet Elroy? I had the pleasure of meeting him at a particularly rowdy Christmas party. He was pretty sloshed, and I gave him a ride home. We hit it off, and now he lives with me. He is dear to me. He shares with me his wisdom. I am better person because of Elroy the Reindeer. He loves me, and I love him back. It is the most beautiful, non-sexual relationship two men can share. A "Bromance" if you will.
So when you think about heroes, don't jump to the stereotypical, Batman, Scooby Doo, or Grace Clipp, think of those who are dear to you. Those who touch your heart on a daily basis.
*Elroy the Reindeer is an inflatable plastic reindeer I stole from a party.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Animal Report
My favorite animal is the blue whale. The blue whale is a mammal. It is the biggest mammal in the world. It is actually part of a suborder of whales called baleen whales. The blue whale is only found in the indian and the pacific oceans. The blue whale is my favorite animal and whale because it is big and because it is blue which is my favorite color. If blue whales were red they would not be my favorite animal. The blue whale usually weighs between one hundred fifty and one hundred seventy metric tons. The blue whale is usually thirty meters long. On average the blue whale skull is 19 feet long. The blue whale feeds on by the filter method. The blue whale filters krill out of the water. The krill are basically very small shrimps. Krill would never be my favorite animal. The blue whale knows how to talk to other blue whales by making sounds underwater. I am impressed by this because I can not understand people when they try to talk to me under the water.
Favorite hybrid animal? What an astute question, my young friend. The answer, undoubtedly is... A monkhippobird. One half monkey. Why? Monkeys are freaking sweet. They're like people, what with their thumbs and (no homo) cute faces. One half hippo. Why? Size. No other traits of the ugly, largely overrated hippo, but their size. No small pussy animals up in here. One half bird. Why? The ability to fly is the one thing I keep praying for evolution to bring us one day. Hells yes. Think about it. Drive your gas guzzling four wheeled best to work. No. I'll fly to work, thank you very much. And while I'm at it I'll drink some Pina Colada. See my point? So if I could be any one hybrid animal, it would definitely be the mokhippobird. You can keep your ligers and your Dung beetle-squirrels; with all due Hokie Respect
Favorite hybrid animal? What an astute question, my young friend. The answer, undoubtedly is... A monkhippobird. One half monkey. Why? Monkeys are freaking sweet. They're like people, what with their thumbs and (no homo) cute faces. One half hippo. Why? Size. No other traits of the ugly, largely overrated hippo, but their size. No small pussy animals up in here. One half bird. Why? The ability to fly is the one thing I keep praying for evolution to bring us one day. Hells yes. Think about it. Drive your gas guzzling four wheeled best to work. No. I'll fly to work, thank you very much. And while I'm at it I'll drink some Pina Colada. See my point? So if I could be any one hybrid animal, it would definitely be the mokhippobird. You can keep your ligers and your Dung beetle-squirrels; with all due Hokie Respect
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